Wikipedia:Peer review/Allen Walker/archive2

Allen Walker

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This peer review discussion has been closed.

I've listed this article for peer review because I've been wondering whether this article could be listed as a FA due to its large amount of real world information. I have several doubts like the prose, somethings need better explanation, words requiring italics, or that the chapters' references might take too much weight.

Thanks, Tintor2 (talk) 22:58, 10 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]

I'd like to comb though this article when I get some time, but from a glance, it looks well-done. I haven't had experience working with animae articles, so I don't know what things FA reviewers would be looking for--I guess a lot of their criteria depends on the particular topic. But, my first impression is that it looks like a nicely developed and well-crafted article. Garagepunk66 (talk) 05:28, 15 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]

I agree with Garagepunk66's analysis. And at my knowledge, there is none problem of weight. --Crazy runner (talk) 19:03, 18 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Comments from Aoba47

While I can tell a lot of hard work was put into this article and strongly believe there is potential here for a great FAC, I have to disagree with the last two comments and say that a lot of work needs to be done here. As someone who has never seen or watched this series before, I found myself confused in a lot of spaces.

Lead

Since you refer to his clothing in the article, is there any way to get a fully body shot of him as the infobox picture?
Put the date in which D.Gray-man manga chapter 1 was published in the infobox.
What does (Hallow) mean? This is not addressed in the article.
Reference 1 (http://pro-baobab.jp/ladies/kobayashi_s/index.html) is dead and needs to be replaced with either a new source or an archived version of this source. The same comment applies to Reference 25.
There is a lot of information being conveyed in the first paragraph, which may be overwhelming for an unfamiliar reader. For instance, I am not sure what you mean by “the Noah” or “Innocence”. I would recommend looking over this section to make sure all the ideas are clear.
Change “Allen was created based” to “Allen was based”
The phrase “who hair Hoshino lengthened to create Allen’s designs” reads very awkwardly. I would recommend revising this to make the sentence flow more coherently.
Who designed Allen’s garment and appearance to reflect this? Was it Hoshino or someone else who worked on the manga/anime? Make sure this is clear?
The phrase “Hoshino was pleased with his maturity” is very vague. What about his maturity pleased Hoshino? What aspects of the character reflect his maturity? Again, be specific. I know this is addressed in the main body of the article, but avoid vague language in the lead to avoid potential confusion or misinterpretation.
In the sentence “Reactions to Allen’s character have been generally positive”, clarify who is receiving the character positively. I am assuming that you mean critics, but it is not clear. Also, what about Allen was received positively?
Change “Allen’s character” to either “Allen” or “Allen’s characteristics” . “Allen’s character” sounds odd, and makes it sound like Allen has or created his own character, when you are directly referring to him.
Again, who is praising his character design and his personality in comparison to other manga protagonists?

Characteristics and appearances

I would recommend moving the “Characteristics” section after the “Creation and conception” section as it is somewhat awkward to lead directly with this rather than the “Appearances” section.
Define “Innocence” as I still have no idea what this means (I have not read anime or seen the manga so I honestly did not understand this point). You define it as "the weaponized form of an object" and later as objects "scattered across the world", which does not to help me understand what this word means in this context.
This phrase “When Mana died, Allen attempted to resurrect him through a man known as Millennium Earl turning Mana into a demon known Akuma who sliced Allen through the left eye” reads extremely awkwardly and needs to be revised. You are trying to say a lot in this sentence so I would recommend splitting it in two.
As someone who has never read or seen this, the summary leaves very confused in several spots. I do not understand the meaning of “Akuma”. You seem to rely on the Wikilinks for “Noah family” and “Millennium Earl” and other characters to inform the reader, rather than explaining their relationship with Allen. I am also not sure what the term "Exorcist" means in the context of this series. Go through this section again and identify all the areas that address content specific to this series, and make sure it is fully explained. This seems like a great summary for readers familiar with the series, but for someone like me, it needs work.
In the “In other media” section, do “the first”, “the second”, and “the third” refer to the video games or the light novels? If you are referring to the video games, move the sentence about Allen’s appearances in light novels after these statements for clarity.
Revise the sentence about the song as it read very awkwardly. It is important information, but needs to be reworked.

@Tintor2: The "Creation and conception" and "Reception" sections are much stronger than the "Appearances" section. They still require a copyedit to weed out awkward phrasing, but all of the elements. I will not add comments about those sections as I do not want my comments to be too long or overwhelming to deter other people to comment as well. Overall, the main area I would think about while improving this article is clarity. Make sure that all of the information is accessible to any audience (not just those already familiar with this series). If you need further comments or clarification, please let me know. Aoba47 (talk) 01:28, 19 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks for the feedback. I'm a bit sleepy now, so I'll work more on this tomorrow. I've tried working a bit on the lead. About the image, the full shot has half of his body crossed with the D.Gray-man logo. The first volume has his initial Black Order clothes but again he is not fully shot. Regards.Tintor2 (talk) 01:58, 19 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]

@Aoba47: I tried addressing your comments, but I can't find the second dead reference. I don't know what should I add to the lead to expand who are the Noah. Also about images, I found this image and this [1] which I think might be more suitable since those are clothes he wears more often. The two anime series has more illustrations for Allen but I think we should use primary images. Regards and thanks. Feel free to add more comments.Tintor2 (talk) 15:06, 19 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]

@Tintor2: I came over to take a look at how was going and if I could help address any problems. If the image needs to be replaced, I have a copy of the series' artbook, and I can see if it has a suitable replacement image. I'd just need a clear idea of what the current image is lacking and what a new image needs to address. I could also help with the clarity issues as best I can. ~Cheers, Ten Ton Parasol 15:42, 19 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]

@TenTonParasol: I meant for my comment about replacing the infobox image to be more of a suggestion than a requirement. I would think it would be helpful to have a full-body shot of the character as the character's clothing seems to be important to his design (it is even mentioned in the lead), and it may be beneficial to provide a clear image that shows that to the reader. The image in the infobox is good, but I just wanted to offer some ideas for improvement. Aoba47 (talk) 15:56, 19 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]

@Tintor2: The second reference seems to be working now, so it must have been an error on my end. The lead is fine with the content as it currently stands, and I would suggest focusing on the "Appearances" section makes sense to those unfamiliar with the series. I believe this would make an excellent FAC, so I do not want to sound too discouraging. Aoba47 (talk) 16:41, 19 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]

@Aoba47: I tried rewriting some parts from appearances and splitting long sentences. Should I request a copyedit from the guild? Also, I leave @TenTonParasol: to decide if she wants to change the image.Tintor2 (talk) 18:56, 19 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]

@Tintor2: A copyedit is always a good idea. I always found the guild to be extremely helpful so I would strongly recommend that. And I would agree with whatever decision @TenTonParasol: makes about the image. Aoba47 (talk) 19:15, 19 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]

@Tintor2 and Aoba47: Mmmmmm, that does sound like a reasonable rationale to have a different image, though. I'll go through the art book later and see if there is a really good image. If so, I'll change it (eventually). If there isn't, then I'll just leave it. ~Cheers, Ten Ton Parasol 23:20, 24 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]

@TenTonParasol: No worries, the image is fine as it currently stands. I just wanted to offer a suggestion. Aoba47 (talk) 01:28, 25 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]

@Aoba47:, a copyeditor has just finished editing the article. What do you think?Tintor2 (talk) 23:06, 5 September 2016 (UTC)[reply]

@Tintor2: The article looks great! Good luck with the FAC, and let me know when you nominate it so I can provide my input there as well. Aoba47 (talk) 00:32, 6 September 2016 (UTC)[reply]

I'll give time to @TenTonParasol: to wait and do the nomination since she also did a lot.Tintor2 (talk) 00:42, 6 September 2016 (UTC)[reply]